Doug called me excitedly with good news two weeks ago. Naturally, I missed his call (my phone sucks ass), but I managed to rig up a makeshift antennae with some chewing gum and some Lee Press-On Nails. Once I got my phone to start working temporarily, and I hurriedly called him immediately back.
What’s up, my man?” I chirped. Hopefully it’s good stuff. I’ve been working hard on a really good article about M.C. Hammer and Corey Haim collaborating with each other to record a cover album of Daft Punk songs! It’s great stuff!”
Seriously, dude”, Doug interjected sternly. You really need to drop that whole weird sexual fixation you have with the 80’s and start writing stuff about today’s new technology. That’s why I hired you, I needed a tech and geek guy. You even submitted your ridiculously high Xbox Gamerscore with your application! I wanted you to work on covering the new video games and machines coming out and NOT write fifteen separate articles about that stupid goddamn Alligator movie!”
But…some of the people that visit the site have fond memories of that decade too, Doug. At least I think they do, well, at least I think they… should. Dude! I just downloaded the entire Billy Ocean discography onto my Zune!”
Are you off your medication again? How many times do I need to remind you of the last time you decided to stop taking it?? You dressed up like the kid from the Cracker Jacks box and you were convinced that you were an elephant penis! Well, anyways, is it cool if I swing by to tell you the news I have for us? It shouldn’t take long”.
Of course”, I said See you in a few, bro.”
I quickly started picking up my room and throwing stuff into hampers. I dusted off my wood paneled Intellivision and straightened out my framed and signed movie poster from Rad”. My mind started racing about what the news could possibly be. Were we going to Vegas to cover a big event? Were we going to interview national bands downtown? Were we going to Chipotle? I could barely contain my excitement as my mind moved from one hypothetical grand adventure to the next. After twenty minutes of this, I had already made up my mind that we were going to build a time machine from stolen Libyan plutonium and travel back in time to the year 1955. I quickly donned my orange vest and skinny jeans and then I sat around fidgeting impatiently waiting for Doug to show up.
He pulled up and we immediately exchanged pleasantries and went downstairs into my man cave. He wore a look disgust when he saw my Star Trek: The Next Generation set of PEZ dispensers in a glass trophy case.
Ok, man, here’s the deal. We getting sponsored to go to cover a huge electronics event…”
Holy CRAP MAN!!! We did it!! We are going to E3!!” With this news, I immediately started Gangnam dancing like a drunken epileptic all over my room. I hope I get to steal some Borderlands stuff and take sexually suggestive photos with the cosplay models!! LOS ANGELES, HERE I COME!! OOOHHHH CHEETARAH!!!!” I quickly pulled out my carry-on bag and haphazardly started stuffing it with underwear and swimming trunks.
Hold on there, Ginger Balls”, Doug said with a look of apathy on his face. Well… I get to go to E3. I tried to get you on board to go with me, but you keep writing stupid shit about Paula Abdul and Kip Winger. However, you do get to go to an electronics convention, but it’s not E3″.
That other one they hold in January? Dude, that’s weak”.
No, not that one. And you won’t be needing swim trunks. You are going to Pennsylvania.”
I was in a state of shock and hurt, but tried to play it off like a man. It’s no problem, boss. I do what I am told without questioning your judgment. As a sort of silver lining, at least I’m getting a five hour plane ride out of all this. I sure do love riding on airplanes. Maybe I will even get a Salisbury steak dinner on the flight”.
I don’t mean to piss on your parade, buddy, but there’s no plane ride either. You’re getting a Greyhound ticket. After your last misadventure with the body scanner machine in the airport in Las Vegas, I was pretty sure that you were placed on the No-Fly list, so I didn’t want to chance it.” It’s close to a five day drive to get there, and you are leaving tomorrow”.
I better get to play the Xbox720 at this damn thing if I have to sit next to a bus crapper for five days.”
More piss, bro. It’s actually the Amish Electronics Expo” Doug said with sheepish malaise. “They are showcasing the newest consumer electronics for the Amish, made by the Amish. There isn’t even a single Xbox in the state of Pennsylvania”. Doug then flashed me the same look that an angry pet owner gives its dog after it wipes its ass on the carpet. Just give it the best shot you can, and maybe you can go with me next year, ok?”
Of course man. Thanks for the free bus ride.”
After several days of sitting quietly on the bus next to the road toilet, I finally arrived in Pennsylvania. My butt hurt a lot from sitting in one place, getting up only to use the bathroom and to swap out different cartridges for my Atari Lynx. As I was finally released from the bus, I was happier than Elton John in a cock factory. I immediately tried to hail a taxi so I could make my way to the expo, but unfortunately I could only flag down a horse-drawn buggy. I was then swept off to the Expo at a face-blistering speed of 15 mph. After a rather difficult and feces-scented journey, I had finally arrived at my destination. Here are the fruits of my laborious odyssey, the top three electronics offerings of the 2013 Amish Electronics Expo.
AmishTech Cricket S3-500.
Even the Amish need a good smartphone to help them with the planting season, to help check geometric dimensions of the barn they are erecting, and to play Amish Angry Birds during the down time. Constructed of the finest blonde pine wood, the S3-500 has a 1kb hard drive and can take photos using 110 film. Sturdy and dependable, this smartphone can take quite a lot of abuse with no ill effects. It is physically impossible to break the screen on this phone, because it too is also made of wood. Cricket is the carrier for this new model, and it works just as good (if not better than) the normal Cricket phones. There are only a few apps to choose from in the apps store, but most of them are impressive for the simplistic platform they are working with. Texting is a rather difficult and slow process, it involves chiseling your message into the display and then throwing the phone at the intended target. The ringtones available were unimpressive, but that is due to the phone only utilizing a small carved storage space that contains an actual cricket insect as a ringer inside the phone. There are no available external cases for customization, but the phone itself can be constructed from a different type of wood for a small upcharge. If you wish to purchase your very own S3-500, be aware that they are under a heavy back order already by the Amish Mafia for use in drug deals and coordinating multiple buggy drag races.
Amish-O-Vision Game Console with Barn Raiser Cartridge:
The Amish have finally broken into the world of console gaming! The flagship launch title for the system is a simulator for barn building, which is a great way to wind down after an exhaustive day of building barns on your property. The console does not plug into a display unit of any sort, but it uses the wall behind it to display the game. The controller does not come with the console, the intended controller is the user’s own copy of the Bible. The correct way to boot up the game is to hit yourself over the head with the wooden cartridge until you start to see the title screen on the wall. This can also be achieved by having Jebediah the Farmhand pinch your carotid artery until you get lightheaded (Jebediah unit sold separately).
The game itself was somewhat repetitive, but it was programmed well and ran at a decent frame rate. They assured me that the game improves vastly if I took a five minute break to go find some mushrooms off the bottoms of the cow turds in the pasture. I did not want to have any outside influences clouding my Amish gaming experience, so I chose to keep going with the head-smashing technique. After completing several levels, I was pretty sure I had incurred mild brain damage (more than what was already present), and I had convinced myself that my Bible controller was broken. Even though the Amish-O-Vision is a huge step forward in the realm of Amish videogames, they need to work a little harder on this system as a whole before it gets released to the general public. (Also, please also note that the games from the previous system Block-O-Wood 2000″ are not backwards-compatible with this next gen console).
Amish Kindle E-Reader
The e-book has taken over the nation by storm, replacing the traditional printed paper word. E-readers have replaced novels, newspapers, and books on tape. This new technology has made a massive difference in lessening the world’s paper consumption and has helped to slow worldwide deforestation in the process. But not any longer! The new Amish Kindle is made out of a rather large log, assuring that decades of cutting down nature’s giant splintery phallus will continue for generations to come.
The display is not backlit, and in order to read it at night or in dark lighting situations, an external book light is required. This version of the Kindle does not support text-to-spoken-word technology, so you will have to supply your best Microsoft Sam impression while reading it aloud. The Kindle I got the pleasure of testing was preloaded with a copy of Tiger Beat issue #320, and it displayed all of the photos and articles with stunning clarity. Who knew that the kids from Home Improvement were so drool-worthy? I could not find any other file loaded onto the Kindle, but the representative assured me they were working hard sunrise to sundown to transfer more novels into Amish Kindle files. Once these guys get a full copy of Twilight available for this thing, it’s going to be the must-have Christmas gift for the 2013 season. Just be sure to not accidentally throw it into the fireplace on a cold winter night or you risk destroying $190.00 of top-of-the-line Amish programming prowess.
Those were the highlights of the show, some of the other available products were slightly more lackluster. All in all, I did have a really great time at the square dance on Saturday. My accommodations were somewhat stuffy, but I’m a city boy to the core and until then I’ve never slept in a barn before. The head executive of the exposition assured me that this offering of technology was only the beginning, and they have even larger plans for the future. Some of the prototype Amish crafts they have been working on have been an Amish synthesizer, an Amish Global Positioning Satellite, and an Amish fighter/interceptor. I can’t wait to see when those bad boys roll out. It’s a safe bet that it might just give the F-22 Raptor a run for its money.
Since then I have said a prayer every day, hoping that Doug won’t get the bright idea to send me to the Amish version of the Las Vegas Sex Convention.
***Special thanks go out to Brett and Brandy for supervising me using power tools during my piss-poor woodworking. Because of them, I still have all eleven fingers intact.