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Choose Your Own Adventure! (In Alcoholism)

Beer, an amazing concoction invented by the Egyptians in anticipation for the future enjoyment of college students everywhere.   Beer has played an important role in society ever since, and has enjoyed a long tenure being the glue that holds civilization together.   I consider myself somewhat of a beer snob”, because when given the choice of Pabst Blue Ribbon or sobriety, I’ll pick sobriety 90% of the time.   I am well past the point in my life where I solely drink beer to the point of drunkenosity, I’ll drink it strictly for the taste.   If I’m looking to get hammered, any rot-gut whiskey or vodka is my weapon of choice.   Once I accomplish that particular mission, it is always a good idea to hide your women and your kazoos.   If I’m looking to get mildly buzzed tastefully, while churning a gallon of liquid around in my gut, I’ll go the ancient route of the brew.

 

I will admit, I did not always gravitate towards the more refined types of beer.   I was a college student at one point in time, and due to the sheer consumerist demand of this demographic, is why I think the dumpster variety” brands seem to completely have the beer market cornered.   You never hear of a fraternity that gets destroyed by a keg of Stella Artois, usually they go for the cheap formaldehyde-based beers.  Picking up and consuming crappy beer is a decision that is buried and hidden as a part of my past.  Life is too short to spend drinking garbage when here in Colorado we have literally any kind of microbrew available anywhere.   It’s known the world over as the beer capital of the universe, and comes in third in the universe for per-capita alcoholism.   Thankfully, it has been many, many years since I’ve sampled High Life and decided it’s not for me anymore.   Yes, I have finally come to terms with my age.  I decided that I had reached middle age the moment I watched a Swiffer commercial and realized the actress playing the housewife was hot.   Up until that point, I had always viewed Swiffer Moms to be a part of authority to be questioned and at best, avoided.

 

I decided to change up this week’s column and write an article on beer, because Groovey.TV doesn’t have any entries in this tab, and hopefully I can possibly steer you to make a tasteful decision at your local liquor store instead of just picking up another 40-pack of Silver Bullshit.   I know how much work, effort, and love go into crafting a good beer and we should all be thankful for all the great beers this state has to offer.   A decade ago, I tried brewing my own batches with unusual ingredients, and no matter how hard I tried to mostly stick to convention, my beer always tasted like a cross between pomegranates and feces.   Protip: Never use pie filling to add fruit taste to your brew, it adds enough sugar to make ass-flavored moonshine.   Trust me.

 

"Hoe Hugger"??? That old guy has an enormous Johnson!

“Hoe Hugger”??? That old guy has an enormous Johnson!

 

I went to the local liquor store that has a Make Yo’ Own 6-Pack!” section, and as a self-imposed rule, I picked six different beers I have never once in my life sampled.   There’s a slim chance that I may not like a single one of them.  Not all these beers are from Colorado, however, due to a somewhat limited selection in the retailer.   But all of these are completely new to me, and I will try to sample and rate them to the best of my abilities.   Second self-imposed rule: All beers must be sampled and my column finished within one sitting.   Third self-imposed rule:   Start things off right with four shots of Polish vodka because I’ve heard that will help cleanse my palette between bottles.   I get all my drinking advice from Bob The Mini-Bike Riding Homeless Guy, because he seems like quite an expert in many avenues of life.   But without any further ado, please enjoy Groovey.TV’s first beer entry, Choose Your Own Adventure (In Alcoholism!)

 

Note: Beers were selected in a random order through a mathematical simple algebraic equation, (x ² – 8x + 24)(x ² + 2x – 6) = 0   .

 

This is the bear from Punch-Out on the SNES.  Just a little more rapey.

This is the bear from Punch-Out on the SNES. Just a little more rapey.

 

6. Durango Blueberry Wheat Ale:

Origin: Durango, CO.

Fruity beer! I love a good fruity beer.   I usually prefer a raspberry wheat or an apricot IPA from time to time, but sometimes it’s good to change up the flavor additive.   The bear on the label looks like a cross between being hungry and horny.   He has a look in his eyes that he would, in an instant, throw the glass of beer into the bushes and grab you by the face and then bear-rape your face.   Quite an interesting logo choice, even by my low standards.

The beer has a sweet banquet of fruit and hops smells.   The initial taste of this beer is one of wonder.   It’s a perfectly balanced fruity beer, with the blueberries taking a backseat to the hops giving the beer a very clean finish with a delayed mild sweetness aftertaste.   Full bodied and crisp, this is what a fruit-infused beer should be.   It retains its true bitterness and yet still accentuates the blueberry undertones.   Not too heavy, not too light, this wheat beer stays directly in the middle of the spectrum and excels well in the realm of flavor and has the taste of an Irish Red type of beer but retains the drinkability of a lager.   I’m very pleased with this beer and I’m glad the blueberry was not overdone or too sugary.   Sugary fruit flavored beers are nasty because they taste like knock-off St. Ides (Or whatever your favorite malt liquor is).

 

GROOVEYSCORE: 8/10. Wonderful.

 

 

"Bitch, I should slap yo' ass back to the stone age!" Creek is better.

“Bitch, I should slap yo’ ass back to the stone age!” Creek is better.

5.  Bitch Creek Extra Special Brown ESB Ale:

Origin: Idaho

I got this beer mostly because Bitch Creek” sounds like the most perfect waterway in Idaho to drown a few of my exes.   I should have checked the label first before I put it in my six pack holder, this beer was best if consumed by 9-5-12.   Hope I don’t contract any diseases or anything.   The label makes me think of the level selection screen from Wave Race: Blue Storm for the Gamecube.   It’s simple, yet at the same time is comforting.   I keep trying to poke the label to make the water ripple, but it’s of no use.

The initial smell is surprising, it smells reminiscent of Guiness.   Upon glass pouring, the color is a very rich deep brown color, with no transparency through the glass.   I just learned that ESB stands for Extra Strong Bitter” and lordy, they are not kidding when they use that as a descriptor.   It tastes mildly like a Guiness, but is bombarded by a very heavy bitter taste, capped off with a bitter finish and aftertaste.   It’s like eating a spoonful of earwax.   I love bitter, but this is too much.   I even think I detect a trace of dish soap in the mix.   This will be hard to finish, but I must suffer for my art.   I like the label, but that’s about it on this one.   I guess Bitch Creek really is a place where people drown their exes, or at least, where they wash out their ears/and or dirty socks.

GROOVEYSCORE:   1.5/10 Bitter as fuck!

 

 

Not quite the same "Stranger" when you sit on your hand for half an hour and then introduce to yourself.

Not quite the same “Stranger” when you sit on your hand for half an hour and then introduce to yourself.

4.   Stranger American Pale Ale:

Origin: Longmont, CO.

Hmmmmmm… I’m not quite getting the artistic vision on the label. There is a dark silhouetted man standing in a cloud of smoke surrounded by a large group of thirty-something hipsters.   His left hand IS visible, but his right hand is located in his junk-area.   Not sure if this was the artist’s intention, but the Stranger is whipping out his cock at a Dave Matthews concert.   I hope I don’t end up doing the same.

There is a definite hint of citrus in the aroma.   The rest of my initial scent test might be screwed up from the ball of bitter from the last beer, so I might be off a little bit.   This beer tastes a lot like a sunshine wheat type of brew, but it is more crisp with a distinctive rye overtone.     Light colored and heavy-headed, this beer is quite surprising in how well all the components come together for a very distinctive and a very well-balanced flavor.   I was surprised the most by this one (so far) because pale ales are my very least favorite types of beer, usually because they are usually relatively flavorless and sometimes taste a bit like embalming fluid.   This one is really fantastic- Left Hand Brewing Co. gots their shit together for real.

GROOVEYSCORE: 8.5/10 A real surprise! Delicious!

 

This label needs more exploding hookers or grenades or something.

This label needs more exploding hookers or grenades or something.

3.   Blackhawk Select Stout:

Origin: California.

Blackhawk.   The small city of big dreams and gambling adventures.   A grand and mythical town built on the tears and the dollars of the gullible.   And lots of my own money as well.   Hopefully these guys out in California can capture the taste of this city, with the smells of money, broken dreams, and lots of old-lady perfume.   The label is pretty unimaginative with a simple eagle or some shit pasted on it.   It says it’s from the Mendocino Brewing Company which hopefully not Spanish for mediocre”.

Another beer that smells a little like Guiness.   It definitely has a bitter aftertaste to it, but is not all too bad.   It tastes a LOT like Guiness which isn’t a bad thing at all, it’s just a trying to taste like it, but it’s not quite as smooth.   This stuff is as black as my soul, but it lacks the milky velvet thickness that makes Guiness far superior.   Not terrible, by any stretch, but not the best in the stout game, either.

Oh, look.   My children are waterboarding each other.

GROOVEYSCORE: 4.5/10 Not quite Irish perfection, but will do in a pinch.

 

Hang ten, bitches.  Or at least four.

Hang ten, bitches. Or at least four.

 

2.   Pipeline Porter:

Origin: Hawaii.

Another expired beer!  What gives, liquor store!   It’s like they are somehow putting all their expired shit in the cooler hoping some sap is going to put it in a six pack of expired beers. This one was good until JULY 15, 2012, so I am really wary of contracting hepatitis.   I like the label though, even if the contents inside are old.  The label looks like a Beach Boys concept album about surfing with your favorite lunchbox.   My lunchbox and I are going to hang ten, motherfuckers! I love my lunchbox more than most people do, so don’t hold that sort of judgment against me.   We walk around, holding hands and we listen to the Go-Go’s as the sun sets in the distance.   Don’t be a hater.

It smells like Guiness. Surprise!   But it tastes like really good coffee.   Like the kind of coffee that breaks into your house and holds your family at gunpoint demanding your Nintendo collection.   There is a little tiny bit of sweetness that sneaks in there at the end, but it’s a very little note on the outro.   I tried to tell this beer to stop rocking my senses, but it just wouldn’t stop.   This beer would be fantastic if paired with some hash browns and bacon and biscuits and a scantily-clad cook.   That’s the breakfast of champions, bitches.   I keep staring at the refrigerator and I can’t understand magnets.   How do they work?   I bet I would look seriously hot in overalls right now.

GROOVEYSCORE: 9/10 Wow.   I can solve a Rubik’s Cube using my cock alone.

 

"Double Chocolate" is the way your mom described her last internet date.

“Double Chocolate” is the way your mom described her last internet date.

 

1.   Young’s Double Chocolate Stout:

Origin: England, Matt Damon.

There is no label.   This shit is just purple.   It looks like a Christmas beer or something.   Not a lot of effort or thought put into the label advertising, but it promises Pure Luxury”.   We’ll see about that claim.

5.2% Alcohol rating, Check. It’s in a can, Check.   I hope this tastes like a Boddington’s, but I doubt it.   Smells like Guiness, again.   This is some really dark stuff here.   It looks like a glass of tar.   No head or that cool avalanche thing that Guiness does when poured in a glass.   It just looks like a glass of black death.   Very smooth like Guiness, however; there is a slight hint of genuine chocolate flavor to it. Like an Easter bunny you ripped the ears off of. I remember the last Easter I had.   There was lots of dismembered chocolate animals and nudity.   Our Easter celebrations are the best.   I’m really happy that I dressed up like Zombie Steve Irwin and made love to a plastic stingray in front of my family and friends.   I love life so much.   I love you too, bro.

GROOVEYSCORE: 867/100 I like eating paste.

I love you guys.     I really do.   Let’s talk about our feelings and stuff and lower our inhibitions.   Cuz that’s what homies do, man.   Don’t bitch out on me now.   This has been the best writing assignment ever.   I can’t wait to tour a brewery.

 

 

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About The Author

Teh Ben is a Denver-based author and World Champion of Duck Hunt (1986). He also has many works of fan fiction on various websites detailing the sexual relationships of the ThunderCats. When not writing, he can be found in front of his television holding a Zapper one centimeter from the screen.

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