All of the end of the year, everybody’s best of” lists are rather subjective, and most of them really tend to be author-centric. So keep this fact in mind, as you are just gonna have to realize this is my very opinionated Top 5 list for videogames this year, so try to not get all butthurt that I left out something obvious and/or Skyrim related. Back in the day, I used to be a bit more than casual gamer”, but this year I’ve been forced to put my electronic reward teat on the back burner. Adult Real Life Problems” plagued me to an almost constant degree this year so I really did not get to put a whole lot of time into or effort into playing lots of games or getting a bunch of achievements and crap. Instead, the lovely year of 2012 dealt me a busy hand with getting beat up by the SWAT team while in my Rock Band underwear, having a car that would explode every time I unlocked the doors, being swamped constantly with home repairs, and working all sorts of unholy hours all year long onstage dancing alongside the other Aussie Thunder Boys. The normal work we do as male entertainers is exhausting already enough as it is without the extended overtime. So naturally, anything I decide to put time and effort into really had to be genuinely worth my while. I’ll be damned if I waste time sitting around wasting my precious life force playing the latest copy of regurgitated crap like Angry Birds: Cocks Version II“.
I’m not exactly sure if I’m the most qualified for this, due to my normal propensity to gravitate towards the strange and weirder types of digital offerings. I love games that are different and strange, or the exact opposite -games that are mind numbingly repetitive and require little or no thought at all. I still, to this day, play my copy of E.T.”“The Extra Terrestrial on my Atari 2600 (for all you young kids, an Atari 2600 was a blocky ass thing you hooked up to your TV in the 80’s to give your television diarrhea) when I’m really bored. I may have a strange taste for the whimsical, but I am also capable of falling in love with some well-designed mainstream blockbusters too. That, and my editor stuck a knife in my desk yesterday with a note attached to it saying something that if I write another article reviewing another 12-year-old CD that he’ll give me his prison shaft” or something. So I’m sticking to the more current and popular stuff, so don’t worry, there’s not going to be anything like El Shaddai on this list. But if you like playing really weird games, trust me, El Shaddai is the bee’s testes.
(Note: Most of these games have been played and reviewed on my Xbox 360 because that’s the only current console I have. I can’t help it, I’m not made of money and I have a medically diagnosed disorder in which I only feel truly loved when I’m paying sixty dollars a year to Microsoft to have 12 year olds in Pittsburgh constantly reassure me of how gay I really am. I’m not sure if there are any platform differences…. So, sorry Playstation 3 dudes, I won’t go back to Sony unless they make a new Parappa The Rapper (Gangsta Edition).
5. Abobo’s Big Adventure ““ (flash game at www.newgrounds.com)
Anyone that knows me knows I have a rather disturbing NES collection that borders on a Hoarders-level of intensity. I know most you have a big box of old dusty Nintendo games up in your attic, so stop pushing your judgment on me already. Now, imagine if that huge cardboard box full of games got a kinda drunk, put on a little Barry White and busted out the lube and then all of “˜em got their freak on. The resulting offspring of this awesome group procreation would be known as Abobo’s Big Adventure. The main character is Abobo from Double Dragon and he kicks and punches his way across varied realms of the Nintendo golden age. All the enemies are a hodgepodge collection of any and all conceivable NES sprites you can remember. Remember those stupid little pedestrian girls that walked around in River City Ransom? In this game you can walk up to them and punch their heads off leaving bloody girl stumps and chomp up the decapitated heads for HP. This game is an awesome short-term diversion when you have writer’s block or you get bored of stalking your female friends on Facebook. You can play it directly on the Newgrounds site or you can download the full game from i-mockery.com for standalone play for when you are eventually cut off from your ISP for illegal organ trafficking. I love the fact that a group of people got together and programmed this game, released it online and then made it available for download for free as a true testament to genuine love, passion and effort. This game is by far the finest 8-bit tribute ever, and not in an irritating way like that obnoxious Minecraft game is(cue the haters).
4. Lollipop Chainsaw ““ (360/PS3)
Ha Ha! Ok, I lied! I did sneak a weird game onto my list. If you love zombies, copious blood, bizarre slander, underage cheerleaders and misogyny, this is the game for you. You play as a Californian cheerleader who fights wave after wave of zombies with a pink sparkly chainsaw. There’s a nod to the bronies” phenomenon in this game with the unique Sparkle Bonus” feature. Beheading multiple zombies with one slash fills the screen with sparkles, rainbows and stars followed by a happy cheerleader chant. There are multiple environmental levels, which consist of fighting different types of zombie breeds, culminating into awesome, curse-filled boss fights in which the killing blow is usually sawing the adversary in half, controller vibrations resonating as your chainsaw hits marrow and sinew. There’s blood sprayed all over the place, which eventually ends up blacking out the entire screen. Inbetween the blood bath and sparkly pony rainbows, there’s hilarious banter between the main character and her newly-beheaded boyfriend that she wears on her hip as a belt accessory. As you progress through the game, be sure to listen closely as you free the zombie-enslaved students, they say some of the damnedest things. After freeing one student, he told me happily told me something about his sister and a turkey baster. This is a game that I can assure you, has been created solely for me. Splash in some fantastic background music at the appropriate moments, and you’ve got an unbelievable game on your hands. I absolutely loved driving around in the combine chopping up large groups of zombies into mulch as Dead Or Alive’s You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)” blared. After playing this game, I have been known to listen to Toni Basil’s Hey Mickey” on repeat over the course of my entire commute to work at the ThunderDome to drink heavily and dance my woes away.
3. Mass Effect 3 ““ (360/PS3)
As a young game player who lived for instant and constant action, my introduction to role-playing games left a rather sour taste in my mouth. I was introduced to this genre through a little-known turd nugget known as Dragon Warrior on my NES. It was clunky and boring, and in order to examine the patch of dirt the little warrior character was standing on, twelve different sub-menus had to be opened to hit EXAMINE”. Then from there it was a ten second pause followed by …..SIR COCKSTAIN…FOUND NOTHING”. So I wrote these types games off as being shit permanently until my roommate several years later introduced me to Final Fantasy 3 on the SNES in which I was instantly hooked and never looked back. These types of games require a lot of emotional investment due to the intricate stories and how damn long they are with the constant level grinding with the sheer butt-ton of random encounters. When done correctly, these games are a fulfilling experience that tends to stick with you well after the curtain closes. Mass Effect 3 is a game that has masterfully created a dazzling cinematic role-playing sci-fi masterpiece. Every step of the journey is unique, because your choices and moral decisions change the inner working of the relationships the player has with the other characters in the game. You want to bang blue alien chicks at the club? You got it. You want to start a catfight between all the other women on the Normandy? Go for it! You want to have a gay Commander Shepard who sexually takes advantage of an emotionally wounded male shuttle pilot? You go get down with your virtual gay self! You can even make your Shepard look however you wish! My version, Commander WeToddDid Shepard” had his features so awkwardly askew that he looked like he had a debilitating case of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome complemented by a face full of scars. Even though his face was absolutely horrific, he still managed to bang his way across the galaxy, proving that universally that blue chicks have really, really low standards.
And if you played Mass Effect 2, the surviving members of your old squad are scattered around the galaxy for reunion. I didn’t really get to experience a whole lot of this feature in the game because 90% of my team was killed off in the final battle the last Mass Effect. In my game, the only surviving teammate from Mass Effect 2 was the terminal frog-faced guy. I found him in my game, but he won’t join your war effort, he just sits around watching Jersey Shore in the Citadel hospice, praying for a swift death. Everything about this game is fantastic, and I when I have time, I will play through again, but this time with a butt-ugly female version of Commander Shepard. Something tells me she’s going to be kind of…..slutty.
2. X-Com: Enemy Unknown (PS3/Xbox)
Did you ever play A LOT of X-COM back in 1994? Did the alien terror always manage to wipe out all your UN funding? Did you always use up every last Time Unit for each soldier and leave them standing in plain view, frozen in time, defenseless to the massive group of blaster toting aliens fifteen feet away from them? Did you give each of your squaddies silly-ass pet names, and then chuckle with malice as you lead them like blind lemmings to their deaths? If you did all that and loved it, then I’m sure you already have a copy of this game and are at this present moment sending your troops to an efficient end. This new version of X-COM is not quite a sequel, or an HD remake, or a gritty reboot. It hovers in the gray realm of being just a new X-COM game with the same mechanics and overall goal of the original game. At least this is a more faithful game than that other bastard X-COM that is still in development. You know which one I’m talking about….The one that is a FPS that takes place in the Dennis The Menace universe. I’m pretty sure that one is going to suck pretty hard. This is the fun and nerve-racking turn-based strategy version that is closest to the original game.
All the good stuff from the old game is streamlined and simplified slightly for the console update. My favorite optional function from the old game is still intact, the ability to name your squad members. Nothing bonds together a group of miscreant military mercenaries better than having something universal in common, all of them having idiotic names like Wookie Pubes”, Scrotie McBurgerballs”, and Shamus O’Blumpkin”. And then half the fun is watching these poorly named commandos get positively shredded on the battlefield. This game is still pretty tough as it ever was, so I highly recommend not playing it drunk because when I played it after chugging a half bottle of Sailor J, I lost all my soldiers and my troop transport craft on the first fight. In about three turns…Definitely not a good drunk game.
1. Borderlands 2 (Xbox360/PS3)
What is the worst part about a game with 64,000,035 different guns? Not a single damn thing.
The crew from Gearbox has thrown down another winner with Borderlands 2, improving every aspect of an already over-the-top polished forerunner. There’s a shit ton more missions, better weaponry, the new purple funk” element, a more balanced monetary system, and very well-designed and fleshed out supporting characters. Even Scooter the Mechanic has some hilarious side quests that made me shoot geysers of Mountain Dew out of my nostrils when they got to the punchline of each story. Catch a riiiiiiiide?? The main antagonist is much better and far, far more obnoxious and he taunts you constantly throughout the entire game. Add in even some new vagina-themed monsters, new character classes and giant new skill trees and there are literally hundreds of hours that this game will suck from your life like a sparkly brooding vampire. The storyline and writing is top-notch from the very first mission and stays strong throughout the whole length of the game.
The big difference I noticed in this sequel to the original is the absence of the Legendary F Word. It was peppered in almost every basic conversation in Borderlands 1, but is all but non-existant in the realm of Handsome Jack’s Pandora. This game is a blast to play co-op with your buddies or with random creepy twelve year olds on XboxLive. So when you play it with the random Live players, they will add their very own F words as you drop crappy loot for them.
This great game just continues to get better. Don’t discount the fact that they’ve already added two whole large game expansion downloads already, with a third one set to drop in a week. My favorite Borderlands 2 moment, aside from the hilarious conversations and ECHO recordings, was the inclusion of a NPC based on a Borderlands player who passed away while they were working on this game. As a tribute to him, Gearbox put a virtual version of him into the game itself. He’s hanging out in town and if you find him he’ll give you some pretty sweet guns. I think giving that kid a little immortality via a videogame was really touching. If you get any games this year, make sure this incredible game is one of them.
Happy Holidays to all of you gamers! May your wet dreams be filled with Lara Croft’s pixelated triangular titties, boning Borderland’s vagina headed monsters, and may you unlock the coveted Nude Code for Halo 4. Master Chief has a ginormous armored green dong.
Also, just to throw these out there without having to write another article…..
Best Song Of the Year 2012: Sunshine“ Matisyahu.
Best Video of the Year 2012: Gangnam Style“ by Psy.
Best Horsie Dancing and Elevator Crotch Ducking of 2012: Gangnam Style“ by Psy.
Best Movie of the Year 2012: Goon“
Best TV Show of 2012: That weird moonshine documentary with 12 moonshine runners and 4 teeth.
Best Album of 2012: Push and Shove“ No Doubt.
Best Las Vegas Entertainer of the Year 2012: Carrot Top.
Best Video Game Moment of 2012: I’m Han Solo” on Kinect Star Wars. (duh)