COLORADO SPRINGS, CO-On Thursday, In N’ Out Burger announced plans to finally begin opening restaurants in the heart of the Midwest, basing operations out of Colorado Springs. Plans to expand westward have been teased before and have made for a pretty good April fool’s joke for the better part of a decade. Before, this has never a real possibility due to not having a supplier within reasonable distance to their restaurants. They plan to build a massive “slaughter-dome” 25 miles outside the city limits to grow, feed, and grind up the millions of cattle that are destined to become Double-Doubles.
A processing and distribution plant is the first step to opening several stores along the Front Range. The first Colorado In N’ Out will be in a new shopping development at the corner of Interquest Parkway and Voyager Parkway, next door to the T.J.Maxx.
This is a brisk 45 mile drive from Denver, which is a welcome alternative to the seven hour journey through Utah wasteland.
In the wake of this surprising news, a sizeable group of In N’ Out fans have begun to congregate at the planned location of the slaughterhouse. The group anticipates massive consumer demand once the chain opens the first eatery, and they want to make sure they get as many “animal style” fries as their hearts desire. Once the plant becomes operational, they plan to follow the processed meat to the all the way to the restaurant in order to be the first customer in Colorado to buy the first genuine Mile High Double-Double.
“I’m serious man. I can’t believe it’s finally happening, man. I’m hopeful, but I don’t even see any building equipment around here. Am I on a hidden camera show or some shit?” asked Mike Jones, an In N’ Out enthusiast. “Stick close to me, I know the secret menu, bro” he assured me.
“The last time I had In N’ Out was right before I passed out naked in the bathroom at the Excalibur. I can still taste that amazing burger and honestly, it was my favorite part of Vegas” said retired action figure machinist Dan Ambrose.
“I’m only out here because I don’t have any better shit to do” lamented Martin Von Dreesen, a millennial with few employment prospects. “I can wait this out as long as it takes. I have survival gear, a tent, and a battery powered George Foreman grill. I don’t have any other options, really. I’m pretty sure my mom has already converted my bedroom back into a basement bar”.
And it looks as though they will definitely be waiting a while. The ground for the slaughterhouse won’t be broken for at least another year, with the first restaurant slated to open its doors midway through 2022.
(please note that this entire article is satire, and any coincidences with any people or cows, living or dead, is completely unintentional)