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Shredding This Mortal Coil: The Retirement of Maris the Great:

There have been many “The Greats” throughout human history. Catherine, the Russian empress, who, it is rumored, invented the word “wheelie” way before there was anything that could even pop such a thing, Alexander, who was reportedly so awesome his daily breakfast routine consisted of conquering stuff, victory bonfires, and doing keg stands with hot princesses, but few of “The Greats” were ever as rad as our own undead gay zombie overlord, Maris the Great. Unfortunately, for us, Maris the Great has reached the end of the road. He is grabbing for that golden retirement ring and the cheap ceremonial watch that has “Dear MTG, Thanks for stacking the bodies up like a lumberjack on crack. The Zombie Nation.” engraved on the back. Now before the mighty MTG picks up his metal detector, Bermuda shorts, socks and sandals and heads off to the beaches of Florida to enjoy his undead twilight time, I would like to say a few words to honor the zombie.

As a middle-aged fat kid aspiring to make some sort of career out of this media debacle known as my life, I knew early on that I had to be brutally slaughtered and hopefully beheaded by Maris if I were ever to reach any sort of success. (Hey, it worked for Katie Couric. At least that’s what somebody told me once, or I dreamed it or something.) After all, he has mercilessly murdered over a hundred bands and been featured on MTV and Fuse, earned the title of “The Ozzfest Monster,” plus APC Instruments designed a custom bass in his honor called, what else, “Maris the Bass.” He also has the ability to write quite well with those decaying digits of his and has been published numerous times in Hails and Horns magazine. His actual art is unique in this world as he sculpts death out of life in a live performance setting and he paints his living death canvasses realistic enough to cause shock and horror in passersby that has literally caused the police to show up to check out the scene.

I have been fortunate enough to have been involved in two of MTG’s band massacres. The first was Alesana, which unfortunately, due to the band’s initial reluctance to meet their maker, resulted in me being sidelined for the event, but every fat kid has his day and mine came when Impending Doom played at Summit Music Hall. On that glorious day, The Camurai, Stu Kennedy, and I joined Maris’ undead minions and laid waste to the band with ravenous brutality. I even got to rip a guys arm off! Pretty rad, huh? Maris the Great’s importance to the Denver music scene and the national Metal scene, in general, will only be fully realized once the artistic vacuum of his retirement fully sinks in. He taught us all about life, death, philosophy, music, and ultimately, if you have an idea, the more outlandish the better, and if you follow that idea up with solid action the world will absolutely take notice.

This is my sincere “Thank you” to you, sir, Mr. the Great! Now go enjoy your retirement and remember that the AARZ card gets you like 15% off at Furrs Diner. Cheers!

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I sit next to people with famousosity and try to make them laugh.

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