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So, You Gave Your Valentine Diabeetus??

So, You Gave Your Valentine Diabeetus?

It’s that special day of the year to celebrate the glue that holds society together, love (or simply just bonin’ if you are a guy).   Although Valentine’s Day has moreover become a money-fueled candy commercial more than anything else, it still stands as a traditional day to reveal your true feelings to your beloved.   Or at the very least, you can throw on a trench coat and reveal yourself to strangers on the RTD.   If you already have a better half, it is in your best interest to shower them with lots of chocolate and sugary stuff to prove your undying love.   Seriously guys: If you give her a lot of dark chocolate and a sappy card, she’ll at least put some effort into pretending to be enjoying herself when you guys go horizontal.  For the rest of you who don’t get to share the day with that special someone, then there’s still a wide array of options open to you.   The only requirement is that you just have to have an open mind, and possess the balls to follow through with it.

"My love for you is ticking clock, Berzerker!"

“My love for you is ticking clock, Berzerker!”

Pay Money For An Online Match Service:

There are all sorts of good dating sites available on the internet that cost money.   All you need is a functioning credit card and the stern mindset of really polishing up your rep to make you look irresistible to the opposite sex (or the same if that’s what you are into).   You should start by photoshopping your head onto an oiled-up dancer from the Thunder Down Under.   After that, be sure to stretch the truth slightly in the boxes that the ladies always are most interested in. Your yearly income? 370k.   Yacht? Of course you have a bitchin’ yacht!  Housing? You own a 34 room mansion.   Just be prepared to have some good backstories ready for your date as to why you can’t take her out on the lake this weekend, why you can’t bring her back to your mom’s basement, and why you insisted she pick up the tab at Taco Bell.   Be mysterious.  

                              These intricate pay sites that make you fill out an exhausting 17 page spreadsheet of details, covering all possible facets of your personality, income, outlook, and family disease history in order to find you the best suitable match.   I can’t understand why it would go to all that trouble with the complexity and detail of the whole process.  WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO DATE YOURSELF??? You’re doing that already.

Look For Love On Craigslist (Because it’s free!!)

Have you ever used craigslist to trade a bag of broken golf clubs for a distributor shaft for a 1971 Super Beetle?   Not only is craigslist the premier website to trade one bit of useless junk for a different bit of useless junk of little or no value, but they have a personals section as well!   You can only imagine the depravity that comes from using a free ad to advertise your very own useless junk that is in your pants for the enjoyment of others.   Most of the ads that are in the personals section are really creepy and vague and normally lack pictures of any kind, so picking anything really ends up being a five bullet game of Russian Roulette.   Be sure to brush up on your abbreviation lingo beforehand to avoid any undue mistakes.   I made the mistake of answering an ad that was portraying a BBW M4M WGSMTHD, which ended up being a rather hairy large lumberjack who wanted to play water games while rolling around in maple syrup.   Never again.

 

"After we're done with this, I have five trashbags of stuff we should haggle over".

“After we’re done with this, I have five trashbags of stuff we should haggle over”.

 

                          Support Single Moms

When all other means of trying intentionally to meet the right person fail, head directly to the ATM and pull out large amounts of money.  Then hop on over to 7-11 and then buy packs of gum one at a time to slowly convert all of your twenty dollar bills into a bitchin’ righteous fistful of one dollar bills, while at the same time lining your pockets with a shitload of gum.   Slap on your darkest pair of sunglasses and your fake beard and head directly over to the closest gentleman’s club.   Here you will get the opportunity to stare unabashedly like a newborn calf at as much lady skin as you want to.   Go pro and throw down some big tips to earn yourself some dryhumpin’.   Just be aware you will be going home alone with the biggest pair of blueballs since you were 12 and got shut out of third base by your algebra study partner.   This whole process is almost identical to gambling, you come home broke and alone, but by supporting single moms, you get free glitter all over your clothes.

                              Order A Mail-Order Bride:

When you don’t feel like dating, and learning about a different person is not worth your time or effort, you can totally go around that boring step and just buy yourself a bride from a different country.   You might not speak the same language, you might not be appreciative of her traditional personal grooming habits, and you will mostly have cabbage for every meal, but hey, love.   Most internet-bought brides have contracts that are only a year long, so make the best of it while it’s there, because there’s a good chance that when she earns her citizenship and her indentured servitude to you is completed, she will run for the hills like she’s like she’s being chased by Airwolf.  The old adage that Love can be fleeting when you are acquiring a woman by following itinerary from shipping in the 1700’s” usually holds true for a reason.

                              Go For Broke:

If you are desperately looking for a one-evening stand, you have the final route to go for getting some strange.   You can solicit a lady of the night (or day), find willing livestock, or take the Southern Approach and beg your cousin for some action.   It will bring back memories of when you succeeded in seducing your first cousin Jane back in seventh grade, and eventually everyone in summer camp found out about it.   I don’t condone or glorify any of this behavior, and if I were you I would keep any victories from this last step to yourself.

"Rob Lowe...Please console my hurt young feelings..."

“Rob Lowe…Please console my hurt young feelings…”

Treat It Just Like Any Other Day:

You don’t need to go to any of those extremes.   Love is for idiots anyways right?   Treat it as you would any other lame Thursday.   Go buy an XL Hungry Man dinner (Salisbury Steak and Chicken Nuggets version), a bag of Fun Size Kit-Kats, and some hand lotion.   Go home and eat your plentiful banquet, take care of your business and then curl up on your futon and watch episodes of Gilmore Girls as you quietly weep yourself into a fitful slumber.  There’s nothing wrong with sticking to the ol’ routine.

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY TO ALL OF YOU!!!! DON’T SPREAD DISEASE!!!!

Dinner is served, bitch.

Dinner is served, bitch.

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About The Author

Teh Ben is a Denver-based author and World Champion of Duck Hunt (1986). He also has many works of fan fiction on various websites detailing the sexual relationships of the ThunderCats. When not writing, he can be found in front of his television holding a Zapper one centimeter from the screen.

1 Comment

  1. emy February 14, 2013 at 5:30 am

    I love your writing!
    And your sexy pictures 🙂

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