We’ve weathered yet another year that has been full of clown invasions, gorilla shootings, and divisive political discourse. We’ve somehow managed to make it to the tail end of November intact, and now we’ve all come together this Thanksgiving to give thanks for everything that is keeping us going. Right about now, your stomach is filled to the top with the picture perfect meal: Stove Top stuffing and Chef Boyardee’s Beefaroni, just like in that famous Norman Rockwell painting. The Detroit Lions are currently sucking at playing the football on national TV. The warm glow of friends and family comfortably surround you, erasing the months of guilt they put upon you when you hastily decided to get that tattoo of cartoon bull testicles on your neck. Everything around you feels absolutely welcoming and complete. As you start to drift off into a food-induced coma on your stepdad’s pleather recliner, a dark shadow looms slowly across the room. Fear begins to cloud into your mind, looking eerily like all the bad parts of a Whitesnake video.
Thanksgiving has already come and gone. The day after that… is Black Friday. You are now expected to spend all your hard-earned cash on a bunch of junk that nobody really wants. The expectation that you are required to buy presents for everyone is the worst part of the entire Christmas tradition. Your dickhead boss is expecting to get something from you. Your “waste removal engineer” expects to get something from you. The neighbor’s dog that shits on your yard also gets a gift too, for some stupid reason. And, if you protest buying all this crap for people, you are labeled “that one asshole”, and the only social interaction with others for the following year will solely exist inside the realm of Facebook, as you are publicly shunned.
So here is a list of great gift ideas for all the worst people on your list, so you can still participate in the act of exchanging presents, but you can smugly sit back and enjoy the puzzled/terrified looks on their faces when they open them. All of the items on my list are categorized by intended recipient, for quick and easy access. All of these items can be purchased online, so that you don’t a) have to wipe off the Cheetos dust off your shirt and step outside your house and b) deal with another living, breathing human being, because I have a pretty good feeling that basic social interaction is not your strong suit.
11) BEST GIFT FOR CHILDREN/ BABIES:
ASSORTED CREEPY FATHEAD WALL STICKERS
By Wallmonkeys Wall Decals, on Amazon – $27.98 to $49.99
I’m sure that you have a sports fan or two in your life. Maybe you have a kid who has a problem listening to his parents, and he absolutely definitely deserves to get an Adrian Peterson Fathead. You have a daughter in college? She needs to spice up that lackluster dorm room with a dead-eyed rape monster Ben Roethlisberger! But NFL superstars shouldn’t have a monopoly on being the third stickiest thing on your wall, right? Thanks to the paint-huffing experts at Wallmonkeys, now you can spruce up that boring wall with life-sized stock photo stickers of…
All of these would look great mounted anywhere in the house but are stunningly perfect when mounted above a child’s crib, looking in. Spend thirty dollars now, and enjoy a lifetime of therapy later!
10) BEST GIFT FOR NEICES/NEPHEWS:
PICKLE FLAVORED CANDY CANES!
By Accoutrements, on Amazon – $11.95
It’s really hard to keep up with what is happening with all the twisting branches of your family all of the time. In order to be memorable to any of the extended members of your family, you have to be the one who makes an impression. And the best way to make that impression is to be the one uncle or aunt who hides these disgusting abominations among the normal candy canes on the Christmas tree. Make sure the pickle canes are accessible of children of all heights, for maximum shitty gift effectiveness. Have your camera at the ready to record them happily chomping away on them as they slowly realize they don’t taste like peppermint, but that they taste more like briny pig vomit. Be sure to then immediately upload that shit onto YouTube as a gift to the rest of us. A great time will be had by everyone except the kids, unless they actually enjoy the taste of pickles. If this is this case, you should disown them anyways.
9) BEST GIFT FOR MILLENNIALS:
RAISING CHICKENS FOR DUMMIES!
By Kimberly Wilson, on Amazon – $10.59
Millennials are basically the hippies of this generation. When they aren’t vaping in skinny jeans, they are trying to build earth-friendly display cases for all the participation trophies they’ve acquired throughout the years. And boy, they certainly love trying to appear as though they are self-sufficient, as they drink case after case of Mountain Dew and bitch about how crappy the Wi-Fi is in your basement. Some will even try their hand at “urban farming”, which basically is the shittiest attempt at a victory garden that you’ve ever seen. Sometimes they even try to raise their own antibiotic-free animals for consumption and e-coli filled friendship. This guide shows them how to take on this glorious selfie-rich oppurtunity correctly. The book stresses that you can’t get attached to something you will eventually have to slaughter, and the book hits its stride in chapter 3, “101 Different Household Chemicals for Removing Chicken Shit from Every Possible Surface”.
RUNNER-UP GIFT IDEA:
Another participation trophy, engraved with “You Had the Best Christmas”
8) BEST GIFT FOR YOUR BOSS:
UNISEX ANIMAL ADULT ONESIES!
By Unbrand on eBay – $8.02-$12.96
Have you ever suspected that your boss just might be a furry or brony when he’s not on clocked in on company time? Now is the time to anonymously publicly humiliate them, whether you are right or wrong in your assessment. Just be sure that your present is labeled as a gift from that bitch Samantha in accounting. If this exposé does not go over well, be sure to copy any company sensitive data on to a flash drive beforehand so you can blackmail your company while you sit around being unemployed. Since you’re on your way out, be sure to buy a pair of animal pajamas for yourself so you can lounge around the house tweaking your resumé in style. There are over 30 unique completely uninspired and completely unlicensed designs to choose from. The knockoff Mickey Mouse suit will almost definitely end up being the least sexy pajamas you’ve ever worn. Pull those shoddy mouse ears tight, and if you listen closely, you can hear Walt throwing up in his grave every time you frolic around in this.
7) BEST GIFT FOR ANIME FAN/WEIRDO/CONFUSED GRANDPARENT:
JAPANESE CANNED TUNA FISH MILD TASTE!
By Japan Salad on Amazon – $20.58 (4x70g cans)
Based on the crazy item name alone, I genuinely have no idea what the hell this actually is. There is no detailed item description, and the photos of the product are just seven different angles of a Final Fantasy cosplay model in a fashionable pumpkin colored jacket. Let’s see if a closer inspection of the safety warning gives us any better idea of what’s going on here…
…Ok, let’s try my pitch for this gift again…
The gift choice of many, feeling much surprise of contents! Fashionable Jacket pictured is not of much treehouse with canned fish product, however many contours. Soybean oil main ingredient for making fresh, many choice buttons for keeping with style current. If recipient have own Anime Girl Pillow already, Japanese Mild Taste Canned Tuna make them irresistible to the sexy of opposite!
Fuck me. I can’t believe that I’m not working in retail. I’m buying this for everyone on my Christmas list.
6) BEST GIFT FOR THE MUSIC LOVER:
JUGGANAUTS: THE BEST OF THE INSANE CLOWN POSSE
By Insane Clown Posse on Amazon – $7.39
Have you ever sneaked around back alleys, setting dumpsters on fire and wish you had the perfect soundtrack to sync to your idiotic activities? Now, you have no excuses! If you are planning a special trip to go steal copper wiring from the old Gates rubber factory while covered in greasepaint, this collection of clown-rap classics is a MUST-BUY!
No gift says “Merry Christmas, asshole!” and “I bet you wish you had complete hearing loss!” quite like the thoughtful gift of ICP. This classic collection of unforgettable hits contains gems like “I Want My Shit” and “I Fucked the Burger King”, but is missing the best Insane Clown track of all time, “Miracles”. This omission was clearly an oversight by some record label executive suit who foolishly assumed they understood the mysterious science of how magnets work.
5) BEST GIFT FOR THE MOVIE LOVER:
“COOL AS ICE” DVD
By Universal on Amazon – $16.32
Movies such as Titanic and Saving Private Ryan are completely and totally overrated (Hint: Everyone dies at the end of both of them). Sure, they might have looked visually impressive, but overall, they lacked a compelling story. Cool as Ice was made on a budget of 200 dollars, but manages to weave a memorable and epic tale that is as old as time itself. Vanilla Ice (the guy who built a music career off of rapping nonsense over a Queen sample) wheelies his sweet motorcycle into a small Midwest town and teaches them the unifying magic of dance. It’s a film that blends the choreographed dancing routines of West Side Story with the special effects and set design of Leonard Part 6.
When you put in your order for Cool as Ice on Amazon, you have to allow them extra time to print and burn you your physical DVD copy. We are blessed to live in a point in human history where the world’s largest online retailer is bootlegging copies of Vanilla Ice movies.
4) BEST GIFT FOR AN ALCOHOLIC WOOKIE:
E-Z DRINKER BEER AND SODA CAN HOLSTER
By EZ DRINKER on Amazon – $11.99
The Second Amendment guarantees your right to bear… 72 cool ounces of Budweiser across your chest at all times! Now you can look like a walking Natty Ice commercial as you fish, hunt, or clean your extensive collection of firearms covered in cans of beer. The brewski bandoleer only comes in a single color- camouflage, so that once you strap this bad boy on, it becomes invisible to both animals and police. A true alcoholic will strap four of these across his or herself in order to carry an entire case of piss-warm piss beer for easy distribution, which is also known as “Tuesday” in Kentucky.
3) BEST GIFT FOR THE SEX OFFENDER IN YOUR FAMILY:
By warmpresents on Etsy – $54.99
What is the most money you’ve ever spent on a pair of boxers? Did you splurge on a pair of sweet Naruto themed ones at Hot Topic for 20 bucks? Now you can say that you are better than all that by blowing 50 big ones on a single pair of handmade ones that have a unique way of keeping your, uh, outer extremities warm. They come in several sizes and customizable lengths and girths of banana sweater. These boxers score a -1/10 on the sexy scale, but suddenly become uniquely useful when the mood strikes to create an X-rated version of Dumbo at the airport.
2) BEST GIFT FOR THE SURVIVALIST AND/OR EX-WIFE:
BUG JERKY (MULTIPLE VARIETIES)
As the earth begins to get warmer and water becomes scarce, we may have to look towards other food sources to get the nutrition and energy we need for exhausting bouts of Wal-Mart shopping atop motorized scooters. One alternative that has been suggested is to replace beef in our diets with something more environmentally friendly… BUGS! Insects are consumed without any issue around the world, but Americans have a hang up eating something they have 14 different chemicals on hand at all times to destroy. This big gross package of june bugs is the perfect introductory meal to get yourself prepared for the glory of future meat. Once you get a taste for these things, you will be delighted when you hear all those cockroaches scurrying around in your kitchen, as that sound will become your dinner bell.
Do you remember that one time you and your buddy watched Raiders of the Lost Ark, and he became insatiably hungry at the twenty minute mark? Then this is the gift for that weird dude! Each $24.99 tin contains a single complete freeze-dried, ready-to-eat zebra tarantula. All eight legs are there. All that fuzzy hair is left completely intact. Personally, I just can’t get my mouth to stop watering at the thought of biting down on a crunchy barbecue flavored arachnid that is the same size as my hand. That particular flavor is not my first choice, but it will suffice until they come out with a Cool Ranch flavor.
1) BEST GIFT FOR YOUR PARENTS:
55 GALLON DRUM OF LUBE
By Passion Lubes, on Amazon – $1,336.20
What do you get for the couple who thoughtfully put a roof over your head for 29 years? You get them the gift that keeps on giving. This is a great gift, as there are just so many different and incredible uses for a 55 gallon drum of water-based lubricant. You could use it to coat a Slip N’ Slide that could launch a human up to 355 mph. You could fill a kiddie pool with the stuff and could have the least sexy wrestling match ever with your mailman. Ok, well I guess there’s only two things you can do with a shitload of lube.
If the $1,336 price tag seems too steep, I know of a place where you can get some for free, if you live near the woods in Oregon. It may seem unpleasant and smell like cowboys, but no matter what, the second-hand lube business is always going to be a dirty one.
Happy holidays, and I hope I’ve taken some of the arduous work out of your shopping and guesswork. Sometimes, a handy list full of bad ideas is better than having no ideas at all.