TEH BEN’S HOLIDAY SHOPPING GUIDE ““
TOP TEN BEST GIFTS FOR YOUR WORST
HO HO HO!!! Once again, the consumerist holidays are upon us. If you are a Wal-Mart shopping zombie, congratulations! You punched babies, started fires and riots, but more than likely you finished your holiday shopping already. The rest of us sane people have not. So I offer you this handy guide to help set you in the right direction for shopping for those who are hard to shop for. Namely, the ones you don’t really like all that much. These are gifts that can be gleefully given to the drunken paperboy, the in-laws, or possibly the guy in the office that is always trying to irritatingly bang the girl working the front desk. For these people, they require special gifts. Gifts that have a special way of saying I was thoughtful enough to buy you something”, while at the same time say Suck it, beautiful.”
But just so you all know, if you are looking for the best gifts for the awesome people on your Christmas list, you should stick to gifts like copies of Borderlands 2, Black Ops 2, X-Com -The Enemy Within, and the Indiana Jones Collection on Blu-ray (hint hint). There’s no possible way to go wrong with any of these.
But for the rest of the douchebags:
10. Hulk Hogan’s Main Event for Xbox 360 (Kinect).
$3.99 at any Gamestop
If you have a Kinect for your Xbox, the government is monitoring your every move and keeping tabs on how often you scratch your junk as you play videogames. This game is a direct result of animal testing of the bad variety. You get to play as a nameless wrestler making your way up the ranks of the wrestling world emulating wrestling greats like Abe Vigoda and George Burns. Movement is completely limited and does not translate well from human movement to the Kinect sensor. This is not very realistic by any stretch, unless you have heard of any wrestler that used the twist in a circle” motion to incapacitate the other fighter. This is a gift that just has enough meaning behind it to say You are totes such a badass” while at the same time says Please post videos of you playing this on YouTube so we can determine if you need to be put in a school with the special kids.”
9. Good Burger DVD:
$64.99 at amazon.com
Initially I was blown away at first by the retail price of this movie. Why on earth is this bargain-bin title sixty five bucks? I personally wager it can be rented on Netflix for zero cents. As far as I can tell, the high retail value is partially due to the fact that it has Abe Vigoda as a main character along with that guy from Saturday Night Live, before he gathered enough physical mass to warrant his own gravitational pull. From what I vaguely remember about this movie, it’s about a couple of junkies working a fast food job for minimum wage and the idiotic hijinks that hilariously ensue. I’m pretty sure they did cool stuff like hide a dead body in the walk in freezer (you must also remember I was drunk when I saw this movie). This gift is basically a $65.00 dollar middle finger to both the giver and the receiver. It’s a sinister gift to give because there is a 25% chance they may not survive the initial viewing. This video has been determined by the State Of California to Cause Ass Cancer.
8. A 24 Pack Of Glittery Recorders
$23.00 at orientaltrading.com
If you are a parent like me, you are well aware of the amazing blood curdling power that is The Recorder. When placed in the able hands of children, it is a force of nature to be reckoned with. It’s an instrument that not only can contort the human body in a single note, but has the ability to open a direct line of communication to Our Dark Lord. These recorders are glittery and shiny and are resistant to blood stains. That’s why you get 24 of them. It’s 24 times…. THE FUN!!! It’s a perfect complement to your own personal satanic sacrifice ritual. After receiving this gift, all you need to complete it are a couple of stray cats.
7. Virtual Boy by Nintendo
$600.00 at amazon.com
If you prefer a more subtle gift to attack the sensory organs of your recipient, may I cordially suggest the Virtual Boy by Nintendo? Released in between the era between the Game Boy and the Super Nintendo, the Virtual Boy displays vector style graphics (like Asteroids) in two colors. Red and black. Two inches from your face. It’s the equivalent of a hand held tumor generator. Nintendo did not support this console very well, so your recipient can only look forward to about twelve awful titles to get soul-splitting headaches from. If you feel extra dastardly, you can wipe the eyepiece with LSD to give the user an extremely pixely bad trip in two colors.
6. BOD Body Sprays
$3.99 for a pack of four at walmart.com
Cologne and perfume is normally a thoughtful gift, when it complements the person and they like the smell. These are the exact opposite of that. If anybody willingly decides to spray themselves with BOD brand body spray, then they should already be anticipating causing willful harm to others. These come in scents that are reminiscent of burning tires, microwaved liver, and sun-bleached rancid corpse. Calling a body spray things like Perfect Abs” is almost a declaration of automatic failure. These face melting scents make Comic Con nerds smell like Fabio. A fun experiment you can do with these is spray these on your wrists while perusing your local Wal-Mart and sit back and watch as you make small children vomit simply by being near them. It’s kind of fun, actually.
5. Shake Weight
$14.77 at walmart.com
There’s really not a whole lot more of a description that I can lend to this awesome gift. By giving this, you are basically telling the other person that they need to a) work out and b) need to really get better at giving handjobs. This is an especially awesome gift for guys from other guys. All the bad boys on my list are getting one this year.
4. I Am T-Pain Mic by Pro Tunes (with external speakers)
$123.41 at Sears.com
Have you ever wanted to croon your own version of I’m On a Boat”?? Then this microphone and speaker combo will let you do just that. Except it doesn’t have that song on it. Or any licensed songs on it for that matter. It does have some awesome beats on it that came straight from a Casio keyboard from 1987. This is the perfect gift for the Wesley Willis fan if they wanted to scream out unintelligible beastiality-themed songs over the same repetitious beat, but made better with the heightened glory of auto-tune. Do your parents and teachers proud by screaming out the words to Wesley’s Rock and Roll McDonald’s” and sound as good as Justin Beieber having a seizure.
3. Limp Bizkit Discography.
$12.99 at secondspin.com
Suppose one of your coworkers has a mullet. Or maybe drives a Chevrolet Citation? Then they need something to accent their wonderful life choices. An array of Limp Bizkit CD’s is the most thoughtful gift you can give somebody who falls under those descriptions. The lack of intelligent lyrics and the use of only 4 different chords per album ensure that they will only be using these records to seduce first cousins on a regular basis. Maybe they will take on the persona of Fred Durst and start running into stationary objects and starting fights with themselves. There’s just no telling how this fantastic set of wonderful, soulful, and thought-provoking music will affect people.
2. Damage Inc. Collector’s Edition
$79.99 at gamestop.com
Ah, where to begin with this steaming pile of programming? If you have no internet or Xbox Live to connect to, be prepared to witness the greatest group of programming flaws ever shipped to consumers. Out of the box, the game will crash randomly and feverishly like a narcoleptic in a pillow factory. Planes disappear, your targets disappear, rendering the mission impossible to complete. Nothing is more fun than watching a poorly rendered plane fly without anything to do for hours at end over an endless ocean. When purchased with the flight stick, you stand a 50% chance of the stick being mechanically defective. If the flight stick works, you can be guaranteed of the game sucking 100%. Even after downloadable patches are installed, the game still behaves like crap. Ironically, the game is completely unplayable with the flight joystick, so acquiring a working one has been justifiably an exercise in failure. Slather on an Ed Wood level of voice acting and story on top of this seriously flawed game and you’ve just made your nephew plot out ways to make your death look like an accident.
1. Ginormous Freaking MP3 Player/Coffee Table
$21.99 at walgreens.com
Maybe the target on your Christmas list loves music. Like REALLY BIG MUSIC! Maybe they cannot live for a second without hearing their favorite Limp Bizkit track as they clean the litter box. For these types, I must recommend the Walgreen’s brand enormous MP3 player. It has enough internal memory to store the data from 12 compact discs and has roughly enough surface area to land an F-18 on. Thoughtful multipurpose gifts like this don’t come around very often. This gift allows a person to rock out to Gangnam Style while eating a full Banquet meal on the player itself. If this was attempted to be taken on an airplane, it would count as its own carry-on luggage. Nothing says You rock asses!” like a 24 pound brick with 67 songs on it. The only selling point I think of is that this music player is incapable of ever getting lost. Ever.
That’s all I have this year. Feel free to send the author an awesome gift of stuff that is not on this list.
Happy non-denominational holidays to all of you!